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8 years ago | 2566 Views

Research has shown that Divorces are increasing daily all over the world. Why? Let's get right to it shall we? Real love is never about "falling" into anything, has nothing to do with "finding a soul mate", and actually has less to do with "getting" anything in particular you deem either necessary or deserving of. Actually, I think this approach to love is why relationships are failing and many are divorcing.


Today’s love is based on fantasy, fiction and flight, the kind that leaves many going through life searching for the right experience (emotions, or what we commonly refer to as "love") with the right person (encounter, or what we commonly refer to as a "soul mate") confusing that person (soul mate) with an experience (feeling alive, connected, important, special or whatever) and now claim it as their right to have leaving marriages, children and lives in its illusory wake.


Perhaps we need to start with learning more about what it means to love your husband, your wife because many people don't know how... their attempts at 'falling in love' is what has them chasing a fantasy which will fail, and failing at real love with their loved ones.


So, perhaps here is the problem: Relationships fail because we don't know what love is or what is required to actually love someone. Most see the main problem of love as that of "being loved", that is finding the "right" person, missing completely the real problem, namely, our capacity to love another which is no small task, not just find the person who will love us as we deem necessary – Here in the USA and many other countries billions of dollars are spend advertising products to enhance love and relationships. With all the energy given to looking, smelling, feeling and appearing our best, relationships get crushed under the relentless expectations (demands) we place on them, thus we are always disappointed on the lookout for greener pastures when things get tough and real love is required.


Relationship challenges like any other problem, trial and tribulation in life; are often opportunities for you to grow, not just your partner.


You see, we "fall in love" with a personality (a fantasy of who we want someone to be "for us"), but we live with a character (the actual person you hooked up with and sometimes even marry) and the two are quite different.  Its after marriage that true colors start coming out and the real you is also revealed. That’s when true love emerges, because now you are getting out of comfort zone and accepting this emerging character of the person  you married or fell in love with.


Ok, what's the solution? Change your strategy. Real love is not about finding the "right person", it's about becoming the "right person" capable of love. Soul mates are never found, they are created, by designing the conditions inside your relationship within yourself for soul mates to happen - by showing up, being fully engaged and present, emotionally available, vulnerable and open to being known and taking risks and contributing to what is important to your partner, not just standing for what you think you are entitled to. Change your question. From what's missing in my partner, to "what's it like to be with me" and “what’s it like to be living or married to me”

Instead of asking your partner to change, consider asking, "who must you become to have what you say you want in your relationship?" Just a thought...

Part of what I do in couples counseling is to help Couples:

*Discover the best parts of who they are in their failing or failed marriage.

* Have partners to relinquish blame and choose Grace.

* Choose to love each other from compassion of how they have hurt each other rather than vindictiveness.

* Instead of being self-righteous and "right" about their story of the other, they begin to look back and reminisce about how who they had been in the old marriage or beginning of their relationship before it began failing.

* For most, rather than hiding in resentment, they are able to choose love as a pathway to a new future. This could result in renewing vows and for some divorcing with grace, love and compassion for the other.

 * Beneath the ashes of burnt lives, within the debris of divorce, resentment, anger, lies the seed of a deeper, more mature love never before experienced that could be  birthed if given a chance.



* At visions FM, my goal is to create a legacy of love, contentment, self fulfilled lives and mostly make Visions Visible for all who listen. Join me this Saturday at 9-11 GMT 4-6 Eastern Standard during THE MOTIVATIONAL MOVEMENT on Topic is:   STRESS: Monster that dominates us or Motivation that drives us.

To Your Success. DocStem Mahlatini



Look out for part 3 coming soon.

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